Do any of these sound familiar to you?..
The Master Manipulator
'I won’t be in there if she doesn’t want me there, but it just feels really unfair to prevent my son from having his support people there for him.'
- A Grandmother
She makes a good point - birth is a major deal for partners also, and they do need a support system. But, this is just downright manipulation.
Your partner’s main job is to support you and that means, if you don’t want his mom there, she doesn’t get to be there. Supporting your partner’s needs can look a lot of ways - it doesn’t mean you need to be right there IN THE ROOM.
And, I’d be willing to bet that if the situation were reversed and it was going to be his genitals on display, he wouldn’t want your mom there. Hell, I doubt he’d even want HIS mom there.
Your partner’s main job is to support you and that means, if you don’t want his mom there, she doesn’t get to be there. Supporting your partner’s needs can look a lot of ways - it doesn’t mean you need to be right there IN THE ROOM.
And, I’d be willing to bet that if the situation were reversed and it was going to be his genitals on display, he wouldn’t want your mom there. Hell, I doubt he’d even want HIS mom there.
Mother of only sons
'I don’t have any daughters. This is my only chance to see a grandchild be born.'
- Another Grandmother
First off, it’s a pretty big assumption for someone to think they automatically get an invite just because it’s their kid giving birth (see scenario 1).
It’s not your responsibility to fill the imaginary void that anyone has over not being one of the first to see their grandchild’s gooey head exit a vagina.
It’s not your responsibility to fill the imaginary void that anyone has over not being one of the first to see their grandchild’s gooey head exit a vagina.
The 'That's not fair!'
'It’s just that her mom is going to be in there and will get that experience and will be able to bond with the baby immediately. It’s going to make them closer for the rest of their lives and I’ll never get the opportunity'
- Again. A Grandmother
Uhm. That’s totally not how that works. Witnessing your grandchild’s birth doesn’t solidify some magic unbreakable bond between you. Anyone who expects their bond with their grandchild to be dependent on witnessing them come out of someone’s body might have some bigger problems to tackle.
Just the fact that you’re saying this out loud is creating division in your relationships.
Just the fact that you’re saying this out loud is creating division in your relationships.
The Time to Cut the cord
'But you’re my baby. You’re going to need your mama too.’
- Uhm, *checks notes*
Yep. Grandmother.
Maybe so. Sometimes adults do need their moms. And it’s also really wonderful when we have moms who are still able to show up when that happens. But, not needing them there doesn’t mean that you don’t need them at all.
Our parents need to trust us to know what we need or don’t need, and show up how we ask for them to. You can always change your mind later.
Our parents need to trust us to know what we need or don’t need, and show up how we ask for them to. You can always change your mind later.
The great compromise
'Oh we’ll just wait in the lobby’
- Could be Anyone in Parents' Lives
No. Please don’t. This is not helpful. Hospital waiting rooms aren’t typically very big nor are they very comfortable. And birth can take a long time. There isn’t really much for you to do in a lobby. So instead of wasting your time helping no one doing anything at all, why not find ways to do something super helpful instead?
Run their errands - go by their house and get it ready for them to come home. Change their sheets. Stock the fridge. Make some freezer meals that they can eat later. Clean out their car and fill it with gas. Mow their lawn. Take care of their animals. Help with their older children. Go a step further and do some deep cleaning chore that never gets done. Dust all the furniture, clean the fridge, the trash bins, under the sinks, the tubs and showers, the toilets. Do anything at all except just wait.
Even being in the lobby is too close if you weren’t invited. When people know that you’re there and waiting on them it puts pressure on the situation. So just don’t. Unless you’re explicitly asked to be there. Just don’t.
Run their errands - go by their house and get it ready for them to come home. Change their sheets. Stock the fridge. Make some freezer meals that they can eat later. Clean out their car and fill it with gas. Mow their lawn. Take care of their animals. Help with their older children. Go a step further and do some deep cleaning chore that never gets done. Dust all the furniture, clean the fridge, the trash bins, under the sinks, the tubs and showers, the toilets. Do anything at all except just wait.
Even being in the lobby is too close if you weren’t invited. When people know that you’re there and waiting on them it puts pressure on the situation. So just don’t. Unless you’re explicitly asked to be there. Just don’t.
The First in Line
'I want to be the first one to hold the baby!’
- Usually a Grandmother
- Usually a Grandmother
Nuh uh. The most important person to hold that baby is the parents. Period.
And, just waiting for a little bit after the birth isn't enough. The early hours of postpartum are so important for bonding and breastfeeding success. Passing a new baby around could be interrupting important instinctive processes. There’s nothing to be gained by having your hands on them first.
Not to mention, YOU JUST HAD A BABY! That's hard work and you are all going to be exhausted. At most, postpartum visitors should expect to bring you food and anything else your heart desires, but, please.
Walk away from the baby.
And, just waiting for a little bit after the birth isn't enough. The early hours of postpartum are so important for bonding and breastfeeding success. Passing a new baby around could be interrupting important instinctive processes. There’s nothing to be gained by having your hands on them first.
Not to mention, YOU JUST HAD A BABY! That's hard work and you are all going to be exhausted. At most, postpartum visitors should expect to bring you food and anything else your heart desires, but, please.
Walk away from the baby.
Look, I get it. It’s pretty miraculous to witness someone’s first moments out in the world. And when we’re talking about the grandmothers, It’s their baby. Having a baby. Of COURSE they want to be there.
But it’s also such an intimate and vulnerable experience. To fully surrender, you can’t be surrounded by people who make you nervous or uncomfortable. You don’t owe anyone a front row seat at your birth. Literally no one. Not even your partner.
Now let me be clear - I’m not saying leave your partner at home. And I’m not saying that you don’t deserve support. What I am saying is that you deserve the supportiest support that has ever supported. It’s your birth. You’re at the center of this party. Literally the most important person at your birth is you.
Being supported means your needs are centered above everyone else’s. It doesn’t mean that no one else has needs or that those needs don’t matter - it just means that it’s not your job to meet their needs.
But it’s also such an intimate and vulnerable experience. To fully surrender, you can’t be surrounded by people who make you nervous or uncomfortable. You don’t owe anyone a front row seat at your birth. Literally no one. Not even your partner.
Now let me be clear - I’m not saying leave your partner at home. And I’m not saying that you don’t deserve support. What I am saying is that you deserve the supportiest support that has ever supported. It’s your birth. You’re at the center of this party. Literally the most important person at your birth is you.
Being supported means your needs are centered above everyone else’s. It doesn’t mean that no one else has needs or that those needs don’t matter - it just means that it’s not your job to meet their needs.
What You Can Do About It
You Deserve This
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