The Birth Consultants are... well, just me... Jaime for the time being. 

The fact that I am a midwife is actually kind of wild. Working in healthcare was never on my vision board, and among my friend groups growing up I was the one who always said I'd be the cool aunt, but I didn't really want kids of my own.

So, obviously, I got unexpectedly pregnant before any of them. And although I had never really thought about it before, I felt really confident. I didn't have all the language then, but I knew I wanted a physiological normal birth and that I didn't want an epidural. I did technically end up with an unmedicated birth, but I had no idea how unsupported I would be. 

My second birth three years later was a completely different experience. I planned better, chose a provider who aligned with my views on birth, and saw that things could be different. 

It lit a fire in me that led me to become a doula and, eventually, a midwife. 

This unexpected profession has been such a gift. Not only because I have a passion, but it's also taught me so much about myself and brought so many amazing people into my life. 

You know that first-time parent thing? The list of 'I would never's?: 

I would never let my kid throw a fit like that in public!
I would never sleep with my baby!
I would never let the TV baby sit my kid! 
I would NEVER feed them red dye 40!!! 

It's a kind of confidence that comes from wanting to give your kids the absolute best, but without the lived experience that gives you perspective on just how hard that stuff is.

When I first started practicing, that was me - except for midwifery. I had the benefit of learning from some great midwives who kept it really, really real about the difficulties that midwives face:

- High rates of professional burnout from doing high stakes work and always being on edge by the unpredictable nature of birth work
- Difficulties getting paid
- Bias from other professionals 
- State policies that can make it very difficult to practice
- Higher rates of autoimmune diseases
- Strain on your family
- Very small hiring pool
- Etc
- Etc
- Etc

I listened to all their stories and wisdom, and after some consideration, I just KNEW I had the secret formula to a long, financially stable career that was in perfect balance with my personal life.

"I have grit and tenacity! I can handle the pressure!"
"I have a knack for marketing, and a great business plan. Money will be fine!"
"I'm a relationship builder! I'll be able to create relationships with other professionals in my community!"
"I am diplomatic and love to research. I'm not afraid to go fight for policy change!"
"I am SUPER healthy. No problems. Illness won't be a problem!"
"My family is supportive and resilient. We will be fine!"
"I'm going to train a workforce and build a community of birth workers so we can all balance our time!"

Y'all. I can see now how absolutely delusional that comes across. When I tell you that I proved every. single. one. of those statements wrong, I am not even exaggerating.   

There are a lot of reasons why things went sideways. I can definitely look back and pin point moments that make me say 'if I had known then what I know now, I never would have done that'. But, that's the thing about 'if I had only known': without the ability to see into the future, all we can do is make the best decisions with the information we have. 

There was also just a lot of plain old bad luck and bad timing. I opened the birth center in 2019, and four months later I learned about a new law that had just passed for birth center licensure. Not a bad thing, but it definitely added some financial pressure to my perfectly sustainable business plan. Then the pandemic started and we had a bit of a business boom, but the shut downs made things really hard in a lot of ways. 

And from there it was a four year long series of one-two punches. Every time it felt like we were through the worst of it, another problem would show up before we could catch our breath. And that kind of thing just... wears you down. 

It may sound like I'm saying that if I hadn't had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad four years, then I would have been fine. And, yes, LOTS of things happened back to back, but the reality is being a midwife in the US is really hard right now. Life happens and there will always be unexpected and unfortunate things that come up, but the reality that a lot of midwives in the US face right now is that they can't take a break to deal with those things. 

Being a midwife in a private practice is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A lot of us are wearing the hats of administrators, marketers, primary care providers, bookkeepers, and business executives - doing the work that should reasonably take 4-6 people minimum alone. Our phones can't be turned off. We can't plan vacations. We don't get regular sleep. We have to be reliable for our clients 100% of the time, which means that our spouses, kids, families, and friends can't rely on us at all. We miss birthdays, weddings, performances because someone's having a baby.

And it's not just the celebrations and joy. It also steals time from the big things that really need our attention.

Cancer. 
Failing marriages.
Depressed kids. 
Family deaths. 

Being a midwife is important, life-changing work. But, what kind of midwife would I be if I didn't follow the same advice I gave? 

So we closed up shop, and, now for the first time in 15 years, I am not on call.  

Deciding to walk away from something that I worked so hard for is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever done. There have been a LOT of tears cried. Sometimes the right decision is hard.

And, the funny thing is, that even though midwifery almost took me out, it's because of midwifery that I recognized that I deserve grace and rest, and that I will get through this.

I imagine that by now you're wondering 'why in the hell would I take a class from someone who can't even keep her practice open?'

That's a completely valid question.

The past few years damn near broke me. But, even though it was hard, we helped our clients achieve good outcomes. We built a reputation among other providers in our community as safe, responsible, and honest professionals, despite a lot of bias against midwives. Taking a step back now is a way to honor what we accomplished and continue to do more.